Simple Breakfast

Life goes on

2006-07-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

Some days I wake up and wonder? "What the fuck?" Can my life really have turned out this way? The only thing I knew for sure was tha I had someone who loved me. That was 25 yrs ago. I suffered through biting poverty and gave it everything I had. now, 2 husbands and what seems like a lifetime later I am not even sure of that. There is no one that loves me. And it scares the crap out of me.

wounds that don't heal

2005-11-26T14:11:00.000-08:00

I am feeling better, but sometimes it takes every ounce of restraint I can muster not to call.

hello...is there anybody out there

2005-11-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

just smile if you can hear me......
Someone once told me "when will people learn that blogs are not meant to be a pesonal diary"
That's when I stopped writing a pesonal view of life as I know it.
Today, the cycle has broken. There is somone out there who can relate to me, I feel it. This thanksgiving was about the most bizarre ever. Don't believe me? listen up. I cooked a 12 lb turkey, french onion soup, salad, rolls, zuchinni, sweet potatoes, potatoes, homeade pumpkin and apple pie with NO ONE to share it with. Do men appreciate a woman who can cook pie from scratch? Obviously not. There will be more of this story to come, but I have had 3/4 a bottle of wine alone and that's all I can write right now. If your 42+ and a male, I'd love to talk. There is so something I am missing.

a new life

2005-09-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

Here I am now, 42, single and with a 4 year old no less. My soon to be x (stbx) and I separated in March. I feel bitter, at times disgusted with my life. I have started smoking again after being smoke free for 10 years. It doesn't look rosey.

phooey

2005-02-24T14:17:00.001-08:00

So much for spring in the air, we have had 3 snowstorms in the last week.

phooey

2005-02-24T14:17:00.000-08:00

So much for spring in the air, we have had 3 snowstorms in the last week.

Spring is in the air

2005-02-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

You can tell the weather change is going towards spring. Maybe it's the days going longer, or just that smell when you walk out the door, time to get healthy, get outdoors. Live well, love life.

Has it been 25 years?

2005-02-15T17:16:00.000-08:00

Yup, graduated HS in 1981. It's wierd, there are a few people I wouldn't mind chit chatting with but they never show up in classmates or site the like. I google names too, but none the less, only people I can't remember or vaguely remember come up. I wonder why that is.

i can't wait till spring

2005-01-28T10:56:00.000-08:00

snow...cold...yuck

ahhhhh snow daze

2005-01-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

heard we're getting snow
gonna be 6" in at least
could be as much as 36"
I'll believe it when I see it
got to get to the store, we need bread
weather forcast says about an hour
flakes fall like tiny feathers
home
whew
wow look at it coming down
white blanketing the yard
everyone stops
it's quiet
turn on the porch light, still coming down
it's getting lighter, let's go to sleep

Thank You

2005-01-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

to everyone who kept me going. I feel much better and am getting on with things. One thing I have learned is that I am not as unique as I once thought, and all you have to do is reach out and help will come from the stangest places.

Work it baby

2005-01-18T17:48:00.000-08:00

Yup, I'm gonna work at this. We are still together and may not be forever. So as long as it is good for me I will fight for this relationship. If it is beyond me one day, then I am emotionally prepared to be on my own. So whatever happened to "happily ever after"? Only if we are honest in our daily lives with ourselves and the others who surround us then we are truly alive.

power from an empty finger

2005-01-15T04:48:00.000-08:00

I fell asleep last night wondering when the last time a roll (in the hay)was so awful, and woke up wondering why someone else got jewerly for christmas and i got books. At a moment of weakness when I heard my son awake down the hall I quick tossed my wedding rings into the back pocket of my jeans. I have 2 rings I wear on my left index finger. One ring is a band bought from K-mart the day we shared vows. The other ring is a diamond he bought off e-bay for 100.00(I know, I found a letter from the woman he bought it from). Somehow it gives me strength of independance when I remove them. By removing them my rush of emotion was stopped. No tears, no fear, no regret. they are on my right hand now, along with the purple heart my two older children bought for me about 6 yrs ago.

calling off the wolves

2005-01-14T06:21:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but when I talk to him I feel some sense of it being ok. I spent time and energy letting those i know what he was doing, how i was hurting and i was getting a lawyer. Yes, inddeed i do still have an appointment for 1/27 that i am not cancelling just yet.Yesterday was spent telling everyone that i was indeed NOT going after the divorce. i am however looking into school. i am not stupid. weather he wants to stay i may never know. i really don't care much. i took off my rings and could care less about anything. why try, it just goes nowhere anyway.

I don't know what to say

2005-01-12T06:49:00.000-08:00

I am a very trusting person. I never beleived it would happen in our relationship. If he does love me like he says, I could never forgive him. That's the way I am. If I am faithful I believe my partner should be too. There is nothing left in this relationship, and though the pain is sometimes unbearable....I have to go on. My son needs me. I wish i could be happy.

my worst nightmare realized

2005-01-12T06:19:00.000-08:00

He told me today he loves someone else. I guess I need a lawyer. I wish there was something to stop the PAIN.

Pain so deep i can hardly breathe

2005-01-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

I sit in a haze
remembering your kiss, a hug, somewhere in my dreams.
This morning while I lay ..wondering ..
This can't be happening.
Love betrayed me, I heard it was painful.
It never hurt this bad before, I can hardly breathe.
Somehow I feel this must be my payback for being happy, feeling secure for seven years.
How could I be so stupid.
I think he'll say he's sorry, he doesn't.i think he'll surprise me, he doesn't.I think he'll bring me flowers, he doesn't.
He says he loves me, he cares, but he is so determined to push me away away away.
I've done it, turned into an old witch.
Someone somewhere will love me and my son..

2005-01-11T18:44:00.000-08:00

we could overcome this

My thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it's about...forgiveness

2005-01-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness? Oh Puuullleeese. I am at the point now where I don'yt want him back anymore. His bank statement came in from the bank account he had to open on his own, in his own name. I was wrong to open it, but I did. He bought 230 some dollars worth of jewerly for someone on 12/22, the day I was at my new doctors. All I feel is dispise. He bought me a book on barak obama. sheesh. pitiful. He said he bought it for someone who i never heard of who got him some contract. He said he did it that way because I would think there was an affair. Silly me. So while all I get is shit, ice frozen shit, someone else is getting jewerly.

On a more positive note, my parents said they would pay for a good lawyer.

My son has snowboots and it is snowing. He is 4. We will both be here tomorrow and I am looking foward to a snowman.

There is still shreds of wanting to believe him, if for no other reason than to believe maybe that I have not failed again.

I was married to my first husband for 15 yrs.

Time marches on

2005-01-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

We are still living together. He said he's not movingt out, but that doesn't mean we're not getting a divorce. How do people live like this? I feel like a piece of sh*t.

Day to day goings on

2005-01-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

As I bring yet another weekend to a close, my thoughts are growing ever so diheartening. I was happy today to finally get from him his emotional attachment to another woman. This is good in a way because it means that my instincts were correct.

Every day there is more and more things that make me want to pack a suitcase and just go. But it's not going to happen, because of my son. He doesn't deserve the pain.

He says he is going to help me get my resume together, pay all the bills...bla bla bla. Sometimes I wonder if the pain of his emotional abuse is worth it.

I can't show my state of total depression anymore, it gets used against me. He can't concentrate at work, my daughter is frightened. Hell, I m frightened. This has GOT to be a bad marriage, because love can't hurt like this, it just doesn't make sense.

This will be my second marriage that has ended, it at times can be unbearable.

what are my plans?

2005-01-06T04:28:00.000-08:00

Well I called work today and said I was taking a "mental health" day. Remember we're taking about learning this just a few days ago.I still have dishes from yesterday on the kitchen table and the tree is halfway down. I played internet games and called my sister. Had a glass of wine and looked up "the psycology of divorce" on google. It really is amazing how relationships fall into cycles. I did find one article from Psycology Today that gave information on a study of couples in bad marriages. It said that after 5 years those who divorced were still unhappy as opposed to those who rode it out after 5 yrs considered themselves happy. I emailed it to my husband. I talked to my sister in Oregon and she can put me up for a bit till I get on my feet. I went on Monster.com and applied for work in PA, NJ & OR. I actually woke up this AM and didn't cry. So, now i guess I tackle bills and housework. It's a crappy snowy day here in PA an I won't be going out, to work or the doctors.

nope, he's cold as ice....

2005-01-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

...and sometimes i can't even be in the same room. But Patricia called today and really lifted my spirits. Tomorrow he's going bowling and not coming home. Oh golly. He goes out ALOT.

An Interesting thing happened New Years Eve

2005-01-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

My husband told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. I am crushed. I thought we had it. I don't think we do. I almost killed myself. He saved me. I begged for him not to go. He is staying. Now I count the days till there is a resolution. I feel like my foundation has been ripped out from under my feet.

There really is nothing .

I want to take down my tree, but it hurts. Where will I be next Christmas? In a prison still, that's how I feel here all alone. Our spirits are no longer united.

Divorce to me is one step short of death. By the time I divorced my 1st husband, I hated him. I love my husband so much. Maybe that's why the hurt is so unbearable

Christmas

2004-12-26T18:07:00.000-08:00

Now being the day after christmas, I can settle down a bit. It was a good holiday and a few notably positive things took place. A person to whom I hope to have a friendship with called to wish me merry. I got to have more than one glass of wine. My husband cleaned my car. I got some good books, a cappuchino maker and a wonderful wine corker. Things to take note for next year....get your Chrismas cards out for Thanksgiving. Make a christmas list in May. Don't forget Sue and Fred Scalercio. Don't get Mom jewelrey

Almost Christmas

2004-12-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas is such a funny time of year. Not ha ha funny, but wierd funny. it brings so many emotions to the table. I went to a Christmas concert today. The voices were heavenly. Heaven. There were times when I was captured by the essence of faith. Like the first breath of fresh spring air, it fiils the soul. I remember as a child being so emotionally moved by the concept of a newborn king. Pity adulthood seems to have tarnished the serene feeling of love and safety felt as a child. Do I believe in God? Yes. Yes I do . Sometimes wird

2004-12-17T07:27:00.000-08:00

one of my fav places in the world!!

2004-12-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

Feeling fine this morning!!!! WoooHooo!!! My daughter came home last night for her holiday break. I feel like a million today. Hair is falling out but I got an appt. with a good doc next week. I'm so excited!!!!!

2004-12-16T08:05:00.000-08:00

So now I'm at the "office". I don't know why I love working for my parent's company, I know it's gonna get me anywhere.

2004-12-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

I have to keep track og what's going on to get it off my chest. Today is againa another lonely day. I'm not sure why but I cry every day. I should be happy but I feel like sh*t.My hiusband never came home last night AGAIN. Though he did say he would be late , he was going out I hate him for going without me and I wish I had a life. I know somewhere there is a way to be happy, yet I haven't found it. I'm weighing in at 142 and would like to be around 125. I have decided to focus on my health as #1. I already cried when I woke up, so today excluded I want to see how long I can go without crying. My hair is still falling out.

2004-12-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

My daughter is an amazing person. She works hard, studies hard, has a full social life and needless to say I admire her immensly. She has accomplished more in her short 20 yrs than I have ever.

12-6 30 years ago....

2004-12-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

Today is my husband's birthday.We had a get together last night to celebrate. Christmas is fast approaching and is on everyone's mind. This time of year always winds up feeling surreal. A friend of muine does 375 Christmas cards. I'm not sure I even know that many people, let alone have their addresses

2004-11-26T18:32:00.000-08:00

What about Thanksgiving. I really have problems.

Hair toady, bald tomorrow

2004-11-17T06:31:00.000-08:00

Sigh. I finally went on the Alopecia Areata org site yesterday. Certainly not what I expected. Alot of happy bald people. I guess it could be worse. I could still be with my ex husband, lol.

2004-11-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the dermotologist yesterday. It went well. Sort of. I have alopecia areata. He gave me gel and a rinse. When I pout it on today it burned. Good. God, I hope it works.

2004-11-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

This is me on the beach.

2004-11-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

Things rare OK but pretty tense. I freaked out screaming at my mom yesterday. It's a long story. I'm tired but ok. Haven't talked much to my husband. My daughter snapped something in her neck. My older son is ok. He's going to work with me for awhile. The little guy has a small cough but is just the best, and I love him to pieces.

Feelin good

2004-11-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

Guess moods swing alot for me. I got to go to a discussion at my son's school yesterday. His big brother babysat. It was nice. They brought their dog. Love that dog. We are going through some tough times financially now, husband swithcing jobs, verrry stressful.

2004-11-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

Well , I found out last night that my husband had feeling for another woman. Not surprising. It's my second marriage and I can't seem to live happily ever after. My hair is still coming out, and I am crying again. But this is not the end of the world. I am grateful to be alive. who hoo.

Sleep

2004-11-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

I slept about 10 hrs last night and I think it knocked out the depression. Feel very good today. Whew.

2004-11-08T05:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up today with my eyes puffy. It's been along time since I creid all night, it happened last night.. I scared myself. It's like the quote from that song by blind melon "I just want to keep my cheeks dry today."

Ironic

because the thing that scares me most is being alone.

the song continues to say~

" I just want someone to say to me , I'll always be there when you wake"

Ironic

Lead singer commited suicide.

When does it get to that point?

Trying to adjust

2004-11-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

My hair is falling out on a regular basis now.. I'm only 41. I read so much on hypothyroidism it makes my head spin. I want to do everything possible to get this turned around enough to have my hair grow back. Right now I am thinking that maybe it will not. I will have to het used to very thin hair, with grey. No more coloring or blowdrying. The hair is not the only thing. It's like my body let me down. Moan moan, can't even imagine how someone with Cancer feels.

I remember reading someon's blog and they wanted to talk about their friends but couldn't because everyone knew their blog. That's why mine is secret, no one knows about it. I wonder how many blogs will get left after people die and no one wouild ever know the person had written it.. I suppose once I talk about things more if someone was looking they could figure out who I was.

I am so sick of people still talking about the election. Let's get on with it, Bush is president. And uh, let's not get carried away saying the whole country supported Bush. It was a 48-51 victory, not 90-10.

2004-11-05T16:47:00.000-08:00

another Kerry supporter heartbroken. I am so sorry he will not run again in 2008. George Bush is an idiot.

My hair is falling out

2004-10-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

About 3 months ago my hairdresser noticed that there were bald spots on the back of my head. It's really changed me.. I want to log in my experiences step by step, maybe it will help others. The first doctor visit was very uneventful. We concluded that I must be unitentionally twirling my hair and he prescribed some hydrocortisone cream that i was to apply 2 times a day. And return for a follow up 30 days later. On the follow up it was noted that the hair was coming back in and all was right with the world.

Then about another month later, it was a larger area. I guess it ain'
t over till the....well, you get the idea.

I did some research and found as many vitamins I could to help. So it began again.

Went back to the doctor and suggested that from my research it may be my thyroid. So he did blood tests. Sure enough. He tested mhy TSH level. A normal reading is between .3 and 5, mine was 40.

He informed me also that it was easily tratable and prescribed levothyroxine, a hormone replacement.

Taxes, Potty traing, and dieting goes no where quick

2004-09-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

I found out this morning i may owe ALOT of taxes. Bad. Put on a few pounds, decided to "shrink" my stomach. Bad mood. My "too old to be pooping in his pants" son pooped twice in his underwear. Failure as a parent.

So we have the equation

B+BM+FaaP=arGC

arGC= a really Good Cry.

Feeling much better.

Could this possibly be why my hair is coming out in clumps?

sunny september days

2004-09-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today was the perfect september weather....not a cloud in the sky. Days like this always give me the chills. September11, 2001 had weather like this.

Laundry

2004-08-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

An awful thing is getting yourself so fixed on what you will be doing and when, then POW something happens. Laundry sucks but it has to be done. So I do it. On Fridays. My daughter needed the washer for her clothes for work. She flipped out on me because being that it was Friday morning I had already begun my so dreaded laundry. We worked it out. It's getting done.

9-11

2004-08-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

Remember the days following 9-11?

Testing

2004-07-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

I am going blank